Filed under: autism, disability, personal development | Tags: depression, nlp, Richard Bandler, Sydney Banks, Three Principles
Why would I now find myself on the verge of sinking into another depression? It seems to have been started by last Sunday’s meltdown. I firmly believed I got my life under control, Kinetic Chain Release had broken my susceptibility to loud noises and my blue glasses, to photosensitivity; they also help me read pages without jumping backwards and forward and recognise faces as a whole rather than as a collection of pieces. I was in control and my meltdown stripped away any illusion of control.
I like to feel in control, I may know it’s really an illusion, but as long as I’m not reminded of that reality I am happy. I have invested so much energy to construct the illusion of control, that when it’s stripped away I find myself wondering why I bothered. The other big problem is that, because the illusion was constructed to prevent depression, when the illusion goes, the possibility of sinking into depression returns and so does the memory of being depressed. It is the memory of depression that makes suicide attractive.
However I must also accept that every time I have been depressed I have come through it. I know I have a pattern of recovery from depression. It occurs to me the language of depression is the language of powerlessness. If I say ‘I have been depressed’ I am saying SOMETHING depressed me. When the dread of powerlessness is so poignant it is little wonder depression is so dreadful! I am reminded of the Richard Bandler question, ‘How do you do being depressed?’ It turns the language of depression on its head and tells me I can only be depressed because I am doing ‘being depressed’. But I feel depressed. However 5 Banks would stay that those feelings just indicate that there is something wrong with my thinking. The most important thing is that I am still in a place where I can take action and I have the tools to do so. I choose not to do being depressed!
Filed under: Parenting, Travel | Tags: Asperger Syndrome, asperger's, autism, Autism Alert Card, meltdown, NAS, travel
On Sunday Neelam and I flew back to Glasgow from London Heathrow Airport. I have never liked flying, I find it extremely stressful. The problems begin with packing to meet the rules of the airlines, sizing bags and weighing them, but on a return journey with no shopping there was no cause for worry. They continue with the anxiety induced by having to get to the airport on time, on Sunday that presented no problem at all. The biggest anxiety for me is an irrational dread of not getting through security. On Sunday I successfully ensured I did not set off metal detectors, I should have been able to relax, but Neelam both set off the detector and activated a bag search. Then as I replaced my bits and pieces in their proper places about my person I discovered my favourite ring was missing, my stress was beginning to build.
We were to fly at 21:00 and our gate should have been announced at 20:10, we waited for the announcement until 20:35. I was beginning to be anxious, I don’t like my schedule to be changed without prior notice, actually I just don’t like my schedule to be changed. At last we were directed to gate A6, but while we were queuing the gate was changed to A4a. When we reached A4a we discovered we were actually leaving through A4b. We were in a confined space full of people, some of whom were very apparently upset, most of whom seemed to be talking. The circumstances were conducive to meltdown.
I could feel my body’s tics beginning to become pronounced. I pushed through the press and got to a seat. I put my earplugs in and closed my eyes to try and block out stimuli. Then came that moment I always dread, when my body and my mind separate and I find myself looking on impotently as my body weeps, shakes and makes strange noises and there is nothing I can do. Were I insensible it might be less terrifying, there are few things, if any, I know more terrifying than being trapped powerless in my own body. Fortunately this time, as on some other occasions, my conscious closed down, in itself scaring, but insensibility provides a relief from unimaginable horror. I don’t know how I would have managed had I been travelling alone, but fortunately Neelam was with me, she took my ‘Autism Alert’ card and took control. She got me on the plane and then home.
As I come out of the meltdown I am confused. It is as though as I gain control of my body, I lose control of my mind. My speech becomes jumbled, my emotions confused and my ability to process information is drastically reduced. However after a meltdown I am totally exhausted, all my energy is drained. I just wrote Monday off and slept. Sleep is the only thing that brings my recovery, which is fortunate, as I am usually incapable of remaining awake. It is now nearly thirty six hours since my meltdown, I am awake and able to write, but I am still incredibly tired. I don’t think, unless someone has experienced a meltdown themselves’ anyone can appreciate the mental or physical toll of meltdown. Mentally it is terrifying, physically it is so draining that it can take days to recover.
Are there lessons to learn from meltdown? Firstly, If you are autistic carry an alert card! We never advise the airline in advance because I so rarely have a problem; after Sunday I know that, should I ever fly alone, I will advise the airline of my possible needs in advance. I am grateful that none of my fellow passengers had any objection to staff getting me on the bus first, not that I was aware by that point, but I would ask that people do show forbearance when someone is in meltdown, trust me it is far more upsetting to experience than to watch. I think thirdly, recognise that the person who has experienced a meltdown may need time, peace and quiet to recover; if you are the one recovering, take as long as you need and to everyone else, please be patient.
Filed under: Politics, Scotland, Yes Scotland | Tags: IndyRef, James Connolly, La Passionara, Tony Benn A Celebration
James Connolly told his daughter to keep the songs alive and for good reason. Every movement has its fallow years when it progresses little, when hope seems sterile, but it is in its songs and stories that it lives. Dogmas do not inspire as the great religions know, people forget dogma, but they remember story; Islam may be founded on the Koran, but it is the Hadith that provides the inspiration. Socialism does not live on the teachings of Marx and Engels, Mao or Keir Hardy, but on the stories of its heroes and upon its songs. I did not live through the Spanish Civil war, but my generation inherited songs like Jarama and tales of Dolores Ibarruri ‘La Passionara’, whose statue stands beside the Clyde to remind us that, “It is better to die on our feet than live on our knees!”
James Connolly was before else a socialist and a Trades Unionist, but he is remembered today as much for being a leader of the Irish Rebellion in 1916. Connolly is remembered because his memory is kept alive by the songs and stories, no only of the Labour Movement, but also by he movement to free Ireland from Westminster’s dominion. Today I was at a CND event in the early afternoon and was impressed by how many of us older attendees remembered the CND Buskers and the real desire to promote the movement through song.
We are in the aftermath of the Indyref and although the Yes Campaign did not win, it remains vibrant and full of optimism whereas the Unionist campaign and its promoters are largely despised by the people of Scotland, even by those who voted No. Sadly the Unionists have presented Scotland with no post referendum vision except for very limited tax raising powers, but no increased control over the things that really matter like Employment Law. Further the Yes Campaign, now the 45 has a vision of an empowered democratic Scotland, our campaign had the songs and the strories. Our campaign still has the songs and the stories and so our movement continues because we are in the heart and soul of Scotland unlike the unionists who only have their hands in her purse.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Because recent changes to Facebook have a direct bearing on your intellectual rights and ownership of your own material, a friend of mine has put on her profile a useful statement to assert her rights. However because it is not possible in some cases to copy and paste in Facebook, I have reproduced the text below do those who choose may copy it.
Due to the fact that Facebook has chosen to involve software that will allow the theft of my personal information, I state at this date of November 30 2014, in response to the new guidelines of Facebook, pursuant you articles L.111,112, and 113 of the code of intellectual property, I declare that my rights are attached to all my personal data, drawings, photos, videos, texts, etc…published on my profile and my page. For commercial use of the foregoing written consent is required at all times.
Those who read this text can do a copy/paste on their Facebook wall. This will allow them to place themselves under the protection of copyright.
By this statement I tell Facebook that out is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, broadcast, or take any other action against me on the basis of this profile and or its content. The actions mentioned above also apply to employees, students, agents and or other personnel under the direction of Facebook.
The content of my profile contains private information. The violation of my privacy is punishable by law (UCC 1-308 1-308 1-103 and the Rome Statute).
Facebook is now an open capital entity. All members are invited to publish a notice of this kind, or if you prefer, you can copy and paste this version.
Of you have not published this statement at least once, you tacitly allow the user of elements such as your photos as well as the information contained in the profile update.
Filed under: autism, Justice, personal development, Politics, Saivism, Scotland, success | Tags: Darren Eden, Jesus, love, peace, The Transformation
This morning, as part of the homework of Darren Eden’s “Transformation”, I tuned into one of my choices, “I love filling myself with peace — I choose to be peaceful”. Just a couple of days ago I had been discussing Peace with my friends Cerys and Alan and while we were clear that peace is not merely an absence of violence, nor even an absence of fear, I don’t think we reached a conclusion.
Peace does not come naturally to me, I have had for most of my life a default setting of angry. When you are a Scots Irish, republican socialist, in a semi colonial society rife with inequalities and injustice, anger comes very easily. Using the Three Principles I tend to realise when my anger is using me instead of me using my anger, and I have my friend Don to point out when I am misusing anger. I have much in my past that people may consider justifiable causes for anger, however while anger has frequently provided an impetus to action it has never brought any lasting benefit.
Today as I tuned in to my creative choice to be peaceful, rather than seeing a symbol, I heard a voice saying, “Peace is love, love is peace!” I think it was telling me that there is nothing passive about peace, Peace is always a dynamic choice. It reminded me of the Nazarene’s, “Love thine enemy and do good to those who spitefully use you” as he says it’s easy to love those love you, the real test is to love those who don’t. The love that is Peace positively embraces others and their differences and affirms their right to differ. It does not mean that we have to accommodate injustice or that we should not prevent them from actions we consider wrong, but that while doing so we should never cease to honour their humanity nor, more importantly lose sight of our own. As Jesus says it’s not those who keep their heads down and avoid conflict who are blessed, but those who actively cause peace. Ultimately to know peace you first have to love, however difficult and incomprehensible that may be. The peace which follows from love is a peace that transcends logic, and we can only appreciate it when we cease to define peace and live it without judgement.