Filed under: asperger's syndrome, autism | Tags: asperger's, autism, depression, insomnia
Last summer I learned a valuable lesson; if one tweets that one does not want to wake up in the morning, rather than read it literally (as it was intended) people interpret it to mean one wishes oneself dead; I won’t make that mistake again. However there are times when I just want to sleep and stay asleep because being awake is so miserable; unfortunately those times I most want to sleep are the periods when sleep comes last easily. I feel as if I am unable to stay awake,I find myself nodding off, I lie down in bed, I lie awake, sleep abandons me to my misery.
It is strange but I’m not at all sure my mind is having a particularly depressing conversation with itself, content wise perhaps it isn’t, but it feels as if it is. It is as if all the hollowness of this pointless little world is waiting to ambush me the moment there is nothing to distract my mind. Silence feeds the insanity; I say insanity because it is not logical, I know that I have a purpose and that I matter to several people, but I can’t feel it, I don’t feel it, for all the meaning I calculate my life to have all I feel is nothing (Can one feel nothing, can one feel emptiness?).
I know I’m slipping into the pit again and so I’m writing (technically, I suppose, I’m Swyping). I posted a #FollowFriday tweet today, I have been to the cinema; home alone is a bad place to be, and reading is a struggle right now. I need distraction like a drug, meditation and equanimity have become estranged to me, and so only distraction can keep the misery at bay.
This will pass, I’m sure, it always has. I can assure anyone that, while I would love to hibernate for a while, I want to live to a ripe old age, I just don’t feel like it right now, but past experience tells me I will again, I will come through this as I always have. I just wish I could stop these stupid, illogical, irrelevant tears and sleep! Oh well, back to bed, and always remember, “A problem shared is a problem doubled.” Goodnight (he said optimistically).
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