Filed under: autism, disability, NLP, Parenting, success | Tags: anger, asperger's, autism, head banging, information overload, information processing, meltdowns, self harm, sensory overload, sensory processing, Squidalicious
I was reading a post on Squidalicious which threw me right back into my childhood. It also reminded me of how much of the child I was still lingers within me, both for good and ill. The post was about a child’s violent reactions and their effect on his sister, and indeed for different reasons, his mother.
Hard as it may be for some people to appreciate, in autistic people violence is frequently an involuntary response. Personally I try to avoid violence, however there is not a door in my house that does not bear the scars of my rage, and this is me in my mellow maturity, I used to have a bad temper. I don’t think words are adequate to express how I feel when I explode because it is a state where normal thought has broken down. It feels as if I am in total darkness, in reality all of my senses are taking in information, but none of it makes sense. There is a sensation people have called, “on the tip of my tongue” when some memory is eluding recall; imagine that sensation extended to all your thoughts, imagine not being able to grasp a thought or process any information, but feeling as though understanding is there, but just out of reach; frustration is an inadequate description of how I feel. There is also a strange sense of dissociation as if I am disconnected from myself, and almost a fear that I may not be able to get back to myself, it is a sensation that gradually builds into a sort of frantic desperation. I never know what will happen, I may explode, and when I do I scream, hit out and break things.
If I am lucky and manage any control, the one thing that helps me back is pain, however it must be self inflicted, touch me in any way and that may be the extra stimulus that causes the explosion, as a child my mother tried to calm my rages by holding me tight which only made me worse because I hated it. When I hurt myself the pain pulls me back into my body, I’m not a cutter, I’m a biter and, on occasion, a headbanger. I have put my fist through a plaster wall, more solid walls have caused me the occasional swollen hand. This is not self harm, it is self regulation, and necessary. The alternative looks, from the outside, like insanity, from the inside it is worse. I spent most of my life not understanding why I could suddenly descend into such terrifying loss of myself, I wish I had understood earlier so that I might have tackled my challenges from an informed position. However the comfort I can offer is that over time, and with some effort I learned to, usually, retain control.
Filed under: asperger's syndrome, autism, disability, Gardening, NLP, Parenting, success | Tags: asperger's, asperger's syndrome, autism, meltdowns, nlp, planning, strategies
I like things to happen as scheduled, I certainly do not like my expectations thwarted, my plans frustrated or my hopes dashed. All of which is fairly typical of someone with Asperger’s or, indeed, anyone on the Autism Spectrum. However I have had, over sixty years, to accept that plans change and I cannot always have things happen as I would like.
The advantage given to the high functioning autistic is a faculty for logic. If one accepts the inevitability of occasional disappointment one can expand the scope of one’s plans to accommodate it. I try to build into any plans I have, alternatives to provide for various frustrations. For example, I have various things I want to do around the house and garden so if my plans to go out are frustrated, I seize the opportunity to satisfy my need to reduce my “To Do” list. Sometimes it takes some time to recover from initial disappointment, but once I get in touch with my alternatives meltdowns are avoided. The biggest problems occur when I cannot give the time to my alternative plan that I would like, however if I can steal back time for myself all is not lost. I must admit I can get rather grumpy when things don’t go my way, but, as a rule, I have logically designed strategies to accommodate my disappointment.
I find that what works for me is to have several clearly worked out strategies that I can apply to various eventualities. The success of this depends on identifying in advance the most likely points of frustration and designing strategies for them to trigger. The problem if that this approach does entail holding a considerable number of possible strategies in my head at once, but preparation is essential if one is not to be surprised, I don’t like surprises.
Filed under: asperger's syndrome, autism, disability | Tags: anger, AS, asd, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, autism, disability, emotions, information processing, meltdowns, sensory processing
I do not know what it is to be an autism parent in the face of their child’s uncontrollable anger. I don’t know what advice to give to parents faced with such anger. However as someone with Asperger’s, I do know what it is like to be in the grip of that anger. Perhaps my experience may be of some help.
When the anger hits it is too late to control it, it takes over my whole body, but trapped inside my body I am screaming, only the words I want to say can’t reach my mouth. To a great extent it is because I have lost my speech that I hit out. I hit out because otherwise I would explode, I hit out in the frustration of not being able to express what I feel. I hit out because I can’t make sense of what I feel, the pain of hitting a solid object helps, sometimes, to pull me back into my body. I say, “back into my body” because to a great extent I feel like a spectator to the anger, as if the monster is someone else who has stolen my body. The best I can hope for is that the rage will exhaust itself, exhaust is the right word, because afterwards I will sleep.
There is no one thing that brings about an explosion, it is a combination of several. Tiredness or feeling unwell is often my starting point because I am more sensitive to environmental stimuli, while, at the same time, less able to process my feelings. Often an accumulation of sensory inputs is a major factor, too many sources of simulation coupled with too intense sensations, can bring me to a place where all my nerves are screeching. My eyes burn, every inch of me experiences sensations so intense you would probably describe them as pain. My skin crawls and every place where my clothes touch, itches. My ears ring.
Because of the intensity of physical sensations, making sense of what is happening becomes impossible as I lose the ability to separate one input from another. As confusion sets in, it becomes impossible for me to translate my apprehensions into coherent thoughts, there is an awareness that I know what is happening, but I cannot get that awareness to take a shape that I can recognise. I think this is the final point of possible intervention, where the removal of all stimuli may allow a gradual return to calmness. You may wonder, quite reasonably, why I don’t take action myself before I explode. I do, and my outbursts are far fewer than in my youth. However I do not always realise how close I am to boiling point. Sometimes I may press on in the belief that I can complete what I am doing before I reach the point of no return.
So after all this, do I have any advice for the parents of autistic children? I think, yes. Learn to recognise the steps in the build up of your child’s anger. Whatever he is doing, remove unnecessary stimuli, but be aware sometimes what you feel is unnecessary background noise, for example, may be being used for a reason, just as I use music or a fan to block other noises. I suggest that if possible discuss what has happened and explain your concerns. What he doesn’t need is to be punished, he probably feels bad enough and your upset will only make his next outburst more upsetting and stressful for him. Try to find positive solutions to which he can agree. My wife has become quite adept at removing me from situations that are upsetting me, often before I have processed and become aware of the upset I’m feeling. Awareness is the key.
Filed under: asperger's syndrome, autism | Tags: AS, asd, Asperger diagnosis, asperger's syndrome, autism, information processing, meltdowns, personal development, relaxation, sensory processing
One of the best things about now being aware of my Asperger’s is the power it gives to pre-empt many of the problems of life. By awareness I can recognise inappropriate stimming and substitute more subtle behaviours. By taking precautions I can reduce the possibility of sensory overload and I can recognise when I am likely to have information processing problems and take action to lessen the effects. The process of gaining control is life-long and – as I know too well – never finished.
Unfortunately sometimes circumstances take me unawares. The other day the systems went down at work and so rather than provide our usual service we had to apologise again and again to callers and explain the problem. English telephone users can be the most unpleasant and aggressive in the world – worse than Americans – and we were subjected to repeated, unreasonable and illogical abuse. Eventually I went into meltdown hitting out, swearing and tearing skin off my knuckles. The annoying thing is that although I am aware of what is happening I am powerless to stop until it has run its course. Worse still the overload later caused me to zone out after which – as usual – my information processing went on slow down so I could hear people talking but just couldn’t comprehend their meaning. It is very frustrating to know how stupid one must appear and be able to do nothing about it. I just found an old certificate saying my IQ was 135 – under any system NOT STUPID. I just feel so angry with myself when I am unable to make sense of simple conversation and then I get weepy and just don’t want to interact with anyone, worse still my reaction feels stupid and illogical. Remember ,just because people are not able to respond to you as you expect doesn’t mean they are stupid! Please be aware too that treating us as if we are stupid isn’t going to improve the situation. Fortunately it doesn’t happen to me too often but there are many who have classic autism with “learning difficulties” who have these problems every day remember they are NOT STUPID either.
Next day I was great!
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