Springingtiger's Blog

Mature Autism – At the Gates of Hell
December 17, 2010, 19:51
Filed under: asperger's syndrome, autism, disability | Tags: , , , , , ,

I am an optimistic and happy person as a rule, I have on occasion been treated for depression, but as a rule I am a happy and optimistic person. Suddenly this week all that changed and I found myself in such despair that suicide appeared the only logical course of action, this is not usual. Like most people my moods swing up and down – perhaps my swing is slightly wider – between happiness and sadness. Normally having a baseline which is very positive and happy, my upswings are a sheer joy making life a wacky, wild playground. From a high baseline my downswings usually cause me merely to just feel somewhat miserable for a while.

This has been a stressful year and my baseline has been gradually lowering. so that my changes in mood are swinging around a much lower point. This week events precipitated a downswing that plunged me into the abyss. I determined to kill myself and – unfortunately – announced that in my WordPress blog which automatically sends notifications to Twitter and Facebook. My wife spent several hours talking to me and stabilising my mood and I removed my blog post, what I did not remember to do was to remove the Facebook and Twitter notifications and so caused several people some concern, for which I am sorry.

I find it very difficult to describe the feelings of absolute despair that hit me in the savage downswing of this week. It is hard to be in a place where everything is meaningless, there is no point in living. It is terrible to be is a place where the reluctance to die is smaller than the desire to live. I do not have the words to express the absolute emptiness I was feeling when I decided that there was no point in carrying on. I am lucky, I had made commitments to attend the annual “Grand Quiz” in the Admiral Pub here in Glasgow and did not wish to let my team down. Because of my commitment, rather than act rashly I had to defer action for a few days at least. That pause has allowed logic to reassert itself, I have been through depression several times before so – intellectually – I know I will probably come through this one. I know logically, that circumstances can change and probably will, even were I to do nothing. So even though everything feels pointless at the moment I will carry on because it is logical to do so and logic says that I still have contributions to make.

I must thank the people who have reminded me that I do have a purpose, I respect them and so I believe them. My wife, Neelam reminded me of my contribution and I received support from my daughter and my son-in-law. Some wonderful people have been very kind particularly Mark Aldiss who quickly offered me support. My friend Don also rallied to my aid. The wonderful Amalia Starr reminded me of a contribution of which I am not always aware. Kim Wombles of the Autism Blogs Directory has been very supportive and so has my new friend Annette Heidmann. The messages of support I have received matter to me because my emotions are suspect, but the independent verification by others suggests that –regardless of my feelings – there is still point in carrying on.

Tomorrow is another day, obviously.


6 Comments so far
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Rory, I am sorry to read about your struggles with depression, I am so glad you’re still here — your voice is an important one, and we all have much to learn from you, this post included. What has helped you get through depressive episodes in the past?

Comment by Shannon Rosa

Talking can help, my wife is very good at getting my logical mind to reboot. Prozac has been useful too but I’m hoping it won’t come to that this time. Written humour can sometimes get through as well whereas comedians somehow leave me flat or even jar. The problem this time is the suddenness of the onset but the crisis is past, a bit slow in getting moving again.

Comment by springingtiger

I’m honored to remind you any time you need to hear it that you are a valuable member of our community. ((())) I hope that your mood improves. I know from personal experience how crushing depression can be. All the potential life lines you can make to remind you that you do matter, that things will change, and that until they do, people who care for you will be standing by can make a huge difference.

Comment by KWombles

Rory, I’ve fought with depression since I was in grade school, and you are so right – it is impossible to describe. I too have used my rational side to overcome emotional lows. What a great blessing to have those close to you, especially family, who are there to give you a lift when you fall. You matter so much to them, but also to us who only know you through this medium, because you give a voice to experiences that many with ASD find hard to share. Thank you for that! I for one am cheering you on as you continue to educate and inspire. 🙂

Comment by Annette Heidmann

In my blog i linked to your autisable blog not your Xanga one. sorry.

Comment by springingtiger

No, that’s good actually – I had forgotten this linked to Xanga. I have trouble keeping track of my blogs. 🙂

Comment by Annette Heidmann

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