Springingtiger's Blog

Mature Autism – Reality Slip

I find that reality is sometimes harder to grasp than others. I have never had a particularly good sense of depth and distance, but when I am feeling unwell it gets considerably worse.I also find it harder to make sense of my environment, things are happening around me, I can see them, but somehow they are devoid of meaning I know I should understand, but somehow the meaning is just out of reach.

You may have had the experience of having someone’s name on the tip of your tongue and being unable to quite recall it, now imagine that sensation extended to the whole of your perception. Sometimes the world can be confusing and terrifying, I find that when this is happening lights get brighter, and noises louder and more discordant, the sensations in my body become more pronounced so that not only am I experiencing the discomfort of not feeling well, but I feel the texture of my clothes especially the stickiness where my belt is and where I am in contact with the chair. People are talking, too many, and none make any sense, mouths moving, somehow disconnected from the words. Even at the very periphery of my vision a flickering florescent light is physically painful,I feel it screwing up my eyes. I have to close them,I have to run away from the noise, and the heat, and the confusion, and the panic. I’ve been here before and I don’t like what’s going to happen, and I can’t let anyone see.

A quiet, cool, dark place. A break, time to stretch and breathe. Sometimes a quiet place to sit and cry, or curl up in a ball. It takes time to settle, it takes time to settle enough to be able not to be reactivated. A sleep would be good, its amazing how tired this makes me. Tired and a little sad.


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