Springingtiger's Blog


Things About Love
October 24, 2013, 22:14
Filed under: autism, disability | Tags: , , , , ,

“There’s things I want to say, things about love” Wendy Grace

As so often happens, I was lying awake in the early hours of the morning with thoughts dancing through my mind. Not only ideas, but also a half-remembered song, `Let It Start’ by Wendy Grace a gentle love song about accepting people as they are.

I find the whole subject of love somewhat confusing, but romance is worse,  I have worked out that flowers are involved. The funny thing is that although I am certain that I love, I am not sure what love is.  In one episode of Mrs Brown’s  Boys, Cathy asks Agnes when she first knew she loved her husband, to which Agnes responds, “A few weeks after he died. ” That resonated with me. I have an unfortunate tendency not to realise how important people are to me until after I have lost them. Recently someone described me as his, “best friend at University”, I wish I had known.  Friendship,  like love,  is confusing. When I was undergoing my autism assessment I was asked whether I had friends,  I was then asked if I had visited any of them in their homes,  that question was followed by, “Do you know where any of them live? ” It had never occurred to me that it was relevant.

I know I love people,  but I think I only understand that I love them when they die. Their absence makes explicit the part they played in my life;  it is only when I experience the emptiness they leave that I appreciate the magnitude of their contribution. I wish it were not so, but I have not yet worked out how to measure love. I grieve when I am bereft, partly because I never feel as though I have shown my appreciation,  but also because it is only then that I appreciate what I had.

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