Springingtiger's Blog


The Night I Threw Myself To My Death
January 28, 2014, 20:51
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Actually that title is not entirely accurate; I didn’t throw myself, I dropped and I didn’t die, but apart from that it’s accurate.

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There have been several points my life where the door into another world has opened to me. I remember one evening at school I managed to sever my radial artery. I was running fast, to escape another boy, and crashed into the door leading to the dining hall. The upper half of the door consisted of several small windows, I missed the push plate and my hand went through the glass. The door opened , but because I was running so fast, I carried on going , and pulled my hand back from the window across the now broken glass. My blood splattered the hallway, fortunately some quick thinking person applied pressure to my wrist and elevated my arm, I was quickly taken to the sanatorium where my wounds were stitched and bound. Some time later I had I to have the stitches, or rather staples, removed. As I watched the school doctor removing the staples, I remember being fascinated by a white, tubular blood vessel hanging from the wound. The next thing I knew I was looking down upon the scene from somewhere high above the ceiling . I could distinctly saw myself sitting in the chair while the doctor worked on my wrist. Suddenly I found myself descending rapidly into my body, my eyes jerked open and I was looking at the doctor with my own eyes. I was left with a very strong awareness that I and my body are not necessarily the same thing, and that some part of me exists independently of this body. This awareness adds a greater depth to the experience of death , a confidence that all is not as cut and dried as it looks.

The night I fell to my death was somewhat later in my school career. I was on a night exercise, the object of which was to capture a stack of tyres guarded by a team of prefects . As my team proceeded,cautiously, across the hills in the dark, we came to what appeared, possibly, to be a cliff top. I lowered myself a little way down the cliff and found, a few feet down, a solid ledge. However after this narrow ledge the ground fell away again. In the dark it was impossible to see how far it fell. Again I lowered myself down the cliff, but this time my feet found no ground beneath them. I tried to pull myself back up to the ledge, but I was so extended I was unable to do so. Because I had already descended some distance to the first ledge, the other boys were unable to reach my arms. I was aware that I could not hold on for very long. I was unable to return the way I had come, and I had no idea, whatsoever, what lay beneath me. I’m incredible feeling of calm came over me, I was not scared, nor was I anxious; I accepted the inevitability of my situation and pushed myself away from the cliff face. A moment later I landed safely on a grassy slope. What had appeared to be a cliff in the dark was merely the upper end of one of the many valleys that ran off the hill. I remember little else of that night exercise, but the ecstasy of the moment in which I let go of the cliff will remain with me always. It was at that moment that my fear of death left me. Fear is just an emotion, death is inevitable, but how we approach it is a choice.

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