Springingtiger's Blog


David Cameron’s Secret Plan to Combat UKIP
April 27, 2014, 22:55
Filed under: Justice, Politics, Scotland | Tags: , , , ,

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Pleased with the progress of “Better Together” David Cameron has asked them to take on the UKIP threat. We have been lucky enough to get our hands on a confidential memo containing some of their briefing points.

From Conservative Central Office.
1. In the event of a UKIP victory UK citizens will no longer be able to holiday on the continent and all direct flights to Spain will stop.

2. In the event of a UKIP victory UK viewers will no longer be able to watch continental television programs, no Scandinavian crime drama, no Montalbano.

3. In the event of a UKIP victory UK soccer teams will be able to play in European competition nor will European players be able to play for UK teams.

4. In the event of a UKIP victory the Six Nations will be the Three Nations.

5. In the event of a UKIP victory the UK will no longer be part of the Eurovision Song Contest (note: some focus groups of Radio Three and Four listeners consider this a plus point)

New 5. In the event of a UKIP victory the UK will no longer have access to European markets.

6. In the event of a UKIP victory the UK will be unable to import French wines, German beers, Belgian chocolates, Spanish omelettes or Dutch caps.

7. In the event of a UKIP victory the foreign owners of energy companies will turn off the power.

Given the success of the No campaign David Cameron is confident the same tactics will dissuade electors from voting UKIP. Please brief the Daily Mail and BBC with these points as soon as possible, if they ask for figures we will get George Osborne to invent some.

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