Springingtiger's Blog


To The Child I Used To Be

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There is a tradition of people in their maturity addressing, in writing,  their childhood selves;  turning sixty seems a good time.
I think the first thing I would say to my younger self is, “There is nothing wrong with you.  You may find the world confusing  and feel out of place, you may be aware you are different and don’t fit in; your brain is wired differently from other people,  not wrongly,  just differently. You will eventually learn you have Asperger’s syndrome,  high functioning autism,  it’s no big deal. However it’s something you share with some of the great people of history, they are great because they walked their own way. I wasted time trying to be normal and fit in, you are normal for you,  you will never fit in with the norm, but those who matter will include you. You may feel now that you will never have friends you can trust,  you will,  but they will be few,  their lack of numbers offset by the quality of their friendship.

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You may feel alone now,  it will not be forever so. You find girls confusing and think you will never understand them, I am sorry but you never will,  that’s nothing to do with the Asperger’s its the curse,  or blessing, of all men; don’t worry,  it is just what’s so. The best you can hope for is that you will find a girl who understands you and accepts you as you are; you will,  I did.  When you find her,  love her and tell her often that you love her, women like that sort of thing.  Love is another thing you will never understand,  but there will come a time when you know you are loved,  and you love so much it brings tears of joy to your eyes. You will learn that tears are not always bad, but often beautiful.  You will never understand romance,  I’m still trying,  I have worked out that it’s something to do with flowers. On the subject of love I should mention sex; apparently it is not just a bodily function,  but women have it as a way of expressing love, take your cue from her. Oh, and you can learn a lot about the mechanics of sex from books, you probably won’t get much practice before marriage and when it comes to sex, practice may cause problems.

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Sex tends, eventually, to lead to children. There are books on the practical aspects of parenthood,  but  nothing can prepare you for the emotional chaos children bring. The best advice I can give is love them and do your very best,  whatever you do they will turn out as they will, and all you can do is love them and be their for them. Parenthood is an emotional maelstrom,  yours and theirs,  whatever happens hold on to them, but let them go their own way and make their own mistakes. Not all your tears will be the good sort. Grandchildren make it all worthwhile.

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You are intelligent and have lots of potential,  however other people’s expectations of you are just that,  other people’s expectations. Walk your own way. I have used my intelligence to get into management,  in all honesty it did not make me happy and caused a lot of stress. There is nothing wrong with ambition and realising your potential,  but it is more important to be happy and to go to bed looking forward to waking up in the morning. One thing you should know is that there is help available for you with employment and studies.  I dropped out of university,  had my Asperger’s been known perhaps I might not. Would my life have been better with a degree I neither know nor care;  I can only live this life in this moment, speculation on what may have been is futile.  Remember follow your happiness, what does not make you truly happy is unlikely to be right for you.  Walk your own way, follow your happiness and work at your pace.

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Change is inevitable,  sorry.  As you go through life you change schools,  change jobs, meet new people and worse lose them.  Pets and people die and when you love them it hurts so badly you want to go to bed and never wake up again. Life goes on and the pain somehow changes into a sort of bitter sweet wistfulness that adds a richness to living. The only way is through,  you will come through,  I have many times.

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Keep an open mind.  It is too easy to see things digitally.  In fact nothing is entirely good or bad,  black or white, there may always be factors of which you are unaware. By all means hold firm to your values,  but don’t judge others by your standards,  what matters is that they meet their own.  By all means avoid those who make you uncomfortable,  but first examine your reasons; prejudice is a very poor basis for decision making. Try and be tolerant, other people may not be perfect, but that doesn’t mean they are not worthwhile. Be open to experience and be prepared to put up with some discomfort.  Push your boundaries,  get out of your comfort zone. Pursue knowledge insatiably and don’t discount anything just file away the stupid stuff,  further information may make it sensible.  Finally, for now,  read and read and read widely,  about anything and everything you live in an amazing universe immerse yourself in it and enjoy it. Walk your own path, in your own way, with an open mind, be open to experience,  but above all follow your happiness.

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